Pro Mindset® Podcast

Conquer Pressure and Achieve Greatness with Valerie Alston

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In this episode of Pro Mindset® Podcast, host Craig Domann sits down with Valerie Alston to explore her journey from a Division One softball player to a renowned mental toughness coach. Valerie shares her experiences growing up in Southern California, her challenges in softball, and the pivotal moments that shaped her coaching philosophy. 

She emphasizes the importance of mental resilience, the role of her father in her development, and her mantra: "Play hard, have fun, no mercy." Valerie also discusses the significance of building genuine relationships and the power of letting go to move forward.

Episode Takeaways:

💡 Relationships—The Power of Connection

💡 Growth—Embrace Challenges and Learn

💡 Resilience—Overcome Mental Barriers

Join us for an inspiring conversation on mental toughness and personal development.

📲Connect with Valerie:

🌐Website: https://thebebettermovement.com/ 

📸Instagram: @valston17

👋LinkedIn: @Valerie Alston

🚀 Ready to Build a Mindset That Powers You Through Anything?
If Valerie’s insights on growth and resilience inspire you, the Pro Mindset® Coaching Program can help you align your potential with purpose and adaptability.
 👉 Learn more or apply at www.ProMindsetPodcast.com/coaching or reach out directly to Craig at Craig.ProMindset@gmail.com.


#ProMindset #Mindset #CraigDomann #ProMindsetPodcast #ValerieAlston #MentalHealth #Resilience #Growth #Relationships #Coaching #Training #Mentality #Toughness #Softball #NCAA #UniversityofMinnesota #MinnesotaGoldenGophers #GoldenGophers #Gophers #Greatness



PRO MINDSET (00:

01.41) Hey, welcome everyone to Pro Mindset Podcast. This is your host, Craig Domann. Today we have Valerie Alston. Valerie is an author, podcaster, former athlete. She's a coach. I think she like trains coaches, trains athletes, helps the relationship between players and parents. Valerie, thank you for joining us today.

Valerie Alston (00:

23.578) Yeah. Thank you for having me.

PRO MINDSET (00:

25.992) Okay, so give us give us your story as an athlete that led you to have the experiences that you had so that you have the street cred to coach.

Valerie Alston (00:

31.875) Okay. 40.814) Yeah. So grew up in Southern California. I was a softball player. by tr was my dominant sport. I played everything. I was a tomboy growing up. So anything I could play, I did until I don't know. I fell in love with softball. I wanted to be a major league baseball pitcher initially. That was my initial drive, but that was not open to me. but I discovered softball, really played that primarily.

Valerie Alston (01:

09.242) How I became how I ended up at Division One, I was always a very above average talent wise. I I I'm I'm a good athlete. but I think what really helped me excel was the mental side is I understood I studied the game. I really spent a lot of time. My dad was my primary coach for a lot of those years. And in Southern California, the travel ball scene at the time was primarily in Orange County, and so I had to commute and so we had

PRO MINDSET (01:

19.405) Yeah.

Valerie Alston (01:

38.582) often forty five minutes to an hour's worth of car ride in one direction to really just be together and talk sport or sometimes we didn't talk sport at all, but just life. this was obviously the pre s shoot, even cell phone days. So we had to s spend time in those car rides and really just communicate and talk and spend time together. So I think for me that becoming a student of the game with my dad is what set me apart. And I I fell in love with softball early enough that I decided I wanted to play that and play in college. That was my dream. It was to to earn a scholarship to play in college. and so once I got into the high school age and was starting moving towards the recruiting side of things, Again, I knew that I was as a Southern California kid, I was never like the top ten percent. So I wasn't gonna be going to any of the Pac Ten at that time. That was not an option for me. But I I knew I was a very good player. I'd always been on national level teams, won national tournaments at the time with different teams. Knew I was a very solid good player. And so I started looking around, you know, made sure I I knew I was gonna be going out of state and had the opportunity. I got recruited by Minnesota and a couple other places too, but fell in love with it. It was apparently the Midwest people are my people. I felt felt so at home when I visited. but the journey there, because I was not always the most talented athlete, I really had to maximize the mental game. And I had a particular incident my junior year. Of kind of the end of my junior year leading into my senior year, where I I took a lot of pressure on. I went to a small high school and I I took a lot of pressure on and feeling like I had to be the one that carried the team because I was a travel ball kid where some of the others weren't. And I I started getting in my head and my dad noticed, he's like, you know what, you're not you're playing very hesitant. That's not you. And especially the high school level that I played at was much lower.

Valerie Alston (03:

53.817) Than my travel ball pedigree. So it just was really weird. He saw me really hesitant and it just seemed off. And essentially what happened is I had taken an experience in my sophomore year. We we lost the state tournament. And one of the defining moments of that loss was in the first inning. I was a number four batter. We had bases loaded, no outs, and I struck out looking. And while I was not the only reason that game why we didn't win that game, I think I internalized that so that when we got into the next high school season in my junior year, I I was taking on so much, like it it was my fault that we lost that game, even though I know intellectually it wasn't. I think my little high school brain decided that was true. And I started pressing and just trying to be the type of player trying to be too much instead of just sea ball, hit ball. lean into it. So my dad introduced me to a sports psychology professional and I started working with them to help overcome some of that. Did a lot of deep breathing, did a lot of just analyzing where that hesitation was coming from, getting back to who I was as a player, and it really helped me. So by the time I got to college, thankfully I had a couple because of that experience, I had some good skills to help me handle the pressure of being at that college level. and I I found that that did set me apart from some of my teammates who maybe were more physically talented than me. But I was able to just lock in better, be more confident in my skill set because I had that sports psychology understanding of what it actually took to compete at a high level and to to be confident despite Whatever's going on. And so I fell in love with that side of the sport and ended up studying it, and now that's my profession. So that's I think that is very long-winded.

PRO MINDSET (05:

51.126) Let me go back now. Let me let me go back to something, Valerie. So I'm going to

Valerie Alston (05:

55.279) Yeah.

PRO MINDSET (06:

00.141) I'm gonna write I'm gonna write your story about what happened when you were a junior in high school. When you were in the state tournament and you were the cleanup batter and you struck out in the biggest moment that could have made a difference in the game, because even if you had a blooper, you probably would have gotten two runs. I don't know what the outcome I know the outcome was you lost, but I don't know how close the game was. But when those things happened

Valerie Alston (06:

17.328) Yeah.

PRO MINDSET (06:

27.308) Doesn't matter what people think, it's what you think they think. And as a teenager, you think the worst. And so you're thinking, You were the goat, not the good goat, the bad goat. And that becomes your identity. And when that becomes your identity, it's it almost like it it paralyzes you. So that's why you were hesitating. And so You know, one of the things that's really critical for athletes to do is to remember that they aren't what they do. They're human beings, not human doers or human performers. And just, you know, I mean, Tom Brady's thrown more incompletions than anybody in the history of the game. Babe Bruce struck out so many times. You know, you look at the best players in major league baseball, they all fail a lot. The guy that's gonna win the V P is gonna strike out.

Valerie Alston (07:

09.293) Ha ha ha.

PRO MINDSET (07:

23.382) Or not strikeout, he's gonna he's gonna get out sixty seven percent of the time or whatever. You know? So but yeah. let's let's not look at the sports psychology, let's look at your dad. What's your father's first name? Greg. Okay. So what was one fundamental principle that your father taught you when you were a teenager that you pass on today as a mental coach?

Valerie Alston (07:

28.922) Yeah, yep. 39.664) Greg. Yeah. 47.651) Oof.

PRO MINDSET (07:

53.795) that you can attribute it to, you know, this school, this this expert, this book, but it really came from dead.

Valerie Alston (08:

04.725) that's so unfair. There's so many life lessons that were instilled. how do I do let's see, which one do I want to go with? 13.52) I think for me, it's actually become a bit of a a joke in in our relationship, but it it's founded in a lot of it's play, play hard, have fun, no mercy. And that that was a a bit of our mantra. He taught me that if you're gonna do something, do it right. Play hard. That no matter the circumstances, if you're up 10 runs, if you're down 10 runs, play hard. because the only thing you can control is your effort. You can't, you know, you can crush a ball and it'll go right at somebody. So I think instilling that that competitiveness that whatever you're doing, do it hard. Do it to the full extent of your capabilities. And then the have fun part is enjoy it. Right? There's no reason to be miserable doing the things that you do. And so making sure that you really take the time to Enjoy that journey as much as you can. which doesn't mean that every moment of that journey is going to be pleasant. Again, I struck out Faces Loaded in the first inning of a state title game. That wasn't fun. But I think having the overall mantra of play hard, have fun is rema it helped remind me that be there with my teammates, have a good time, celebrate the successes, do the silly shenanigans and the car rides and the bus rides, like enjoy. being there. and the no mercy part was a couple things there is in the competitive spirit is you don't let off the gas. You go. You go hard. You play at your old your absolute best. Because especially as a young athlete, there's that tendency to change your level of play based on the competition. Some people will be like, well this is that easy team so we'll just let up. And what happens is you end up often those games go poorly because you're not sticking to your processes, you're not playing at your level, you're kind of playing down to the competition. and that's not a way to be successful, right? You want make sure that you play always at your best. And if you run-rule somebody, you run-rule them, right? It doesn't mean you have to be mean on the field, you still treat everybody with dignity and respect. You treat them, you respect the competitor that you're in front of. You're not gonna maybe take extra bases.

Valerie Alston (10:

37.188) But y you know Mer you play as if they are the best team ever that you've ever faced and then so that that idea of no mercy was really important in that it to to really get that competitive drive to keep me locked in, no matter what who we were playing against. So I think that's how it played out for for me in sport, what what that came to mean for us and our relationship. Shoot, we even still s say it all the time, my dad's huge into pickleball now. And so every time we're we get off the phone, I was like, hey play hard, have fun, no mercy. You know, it's just our it's our mantra now. but I think it has I've I've taken it out of sport too and it's now just a life mantra for us that that's how we approach how I've he's taught me to approach life in general.

PRO MINDSET (11:

30.369) Okay, now twenty twenty six. X years later. Those three things are very valuable. What would be number four that you would add?

Valerie Alston (11:

48.24) Hmm. From from a l or like things I've learned now that I would add to that.

PRO MINDSET (11:

52.493) You've learned now, things you've learned since. Because I'm looking at play hard, you know, that's all you can expect. That's all you can do. Give it everything you've got. You can't give any, you can't give any more than you got. And it's not about winning, it's about it's about your output more than the the outcome. And then have fun is, I mean, golly, if you're not having fun, what are we doing this for? And then, you know, have no mercy. Is to me a little bit like number one, but the way you described it, it's more an inside game rather than an outside game. It's not paying attention to your circumstances, your opponent, the competition, all those things. And it allows you to have the freedom to give it everything you've got, which is the first one, because you're not letting the circumstances control you. But there's got to be a four and a five, or at least a four, that you've

Valerie Alston (12:

46.17) Yeah. Yeah.

PRO MINDSET (12:

51.968) since then that, you know, if you were making you're you're passing it down to one of your kids or nieces or nephews or whatever, what is that gonna be?

Valerie Alston (13:

03.246) I think what I would add in my so my professional life I've spent the last eighteen years working with and for the military, teaching mental toughness, r resilience, those type of things. I I think what I would add is Let it go. Play hard, have fun, no mercy. Let it go. That regardless of the outcome, regardless of what happened, this idea that like learn from it, mind it, whatever happened, positive or negative. if you don't have a healthy mechanism to just let it go and move on to the to whatever's next, often you can dwell and it can cause some problems. So this idea of Once you've had the experience, you've learned from it, you've grown from it, okay, it's done. It don't let's not stay in it. moving forward is is important.

Valerie Alston (14:

07.376) And think the other piece I would maybe add is you're not alone. is that this is life, is not a solo sport, it's a team sport. that 23.856) if we're looking at somebody's individual capacity to be resilient and mentally tough, it requires a team. And however you define that team, whether you know, as a young athlete, that's your your support network of your your coaches, your parents, your siblings, your friends, your teachers, that are there to support you and help you, recognizing that you don't have to have all the answers. You don't have to figure it out right away. In fact, there are times where you're currently where you're at in your life isn't enough to handle the situation. You do need external support or somebody to help you out to get you over that hump. So I think that's what I would add is that it's even if you are a solo performer, you still have a team of people help and support you. And and I think it's so important, not just for your ability to be a good athlete, but just to be an effective human. It's life is not a solo sport, it's a team sport. So you're not alone. Who are your people? Who do you have in your corner? Who can you what are who are those relationships that you can lean on when times are tough, that you can

Valerie Alston (15:

35.365) get joy from and fun and I'd be community. It's I mean it's a basic psychological need that we have as humans is to connect, to be related to other people. and without that connection, without that relation, life is a lot harder. And so I think a lot of in today's environment, with all the social media and all that, there's it's like a blessing and a curse. You can kind of be have access to more people, but that doesn't necessarily mean you're connected one to one with people in a in a productive way. And so I think a lot of people feel isolated or alone. So I'd I'd like people to know that. You need other people. You're not alone.

PRO MINDSET (16:

19.959) I'm gonna add two. You added two, so I'm gonna add two.

Valerie Alston (16:

22.852) Yeah, great. Let's hear it.

PRO MINDSET (16:

25.465) So let it go allows you to not time travel to the past, but you can time travel to the future and think about what could be and what could happen and what kind of recognition you're gonna get or what kind of blame you're gonna get based upon a future event in the game or the competition. So number six would be be fully present, be totally in the moment. Okay And then the last one is I think maybe the most important one, which is you you are not defined by what you do. You don't you're defined by who you are. Because I think, you know, like for you that sixteen year old girl or seventeen, whatever age you were at the time, you started to think that what you did is who you are and it it it Limit you. And so from an identity standpoint, working with professional athletes and college athletes, myself, they've got to believe that their parents love them regardless. And they love themselves regardless. Pressure looks a lot different, tastes a lot different, smells a lot different when your connection to people and approval from people is not tied to your performance.

Valerie Alston (17:

35.492) Yeah, absolutely. 52.833) Yeah. Yeah. And I I try to teach that as well. I mean, I think that's so important that you're you're not what you to what you said earlier, you're not what you do. and having a

PRO MINDSET (17:

53.901) Right.

Valerie Alston (18:

07.482) Helping young people create an identity that is well rounded, that it's not driven. Yeah, it's o it's okay if part of your identity is wrapped up in your sport. but if that's all you know, if that's all all you have, that's probably gonna get you in trouble at some point. 'Cause at some point you will have to give up your sport, whether via injury or just you're not good enough to keep going to the next level, or at some point you're too old to keep playing it.

PRO MINDSET (18:

36.161) AIDS or eligibility.

Valerie Alston (18:

37.068) Yeah, you're gonna age out or injury out or so Yeah, teaching people to have a more row well rounded approach to their identity that

PRO MINDSET (18:

51.405) Okay, when is that a ha moment for most people when they realize the mental game is as important as the physical game? Because I gotta believe that for most youth that play on travel teams, club teams, the more they practice, the more time they commit to the sport, the better they keep getting. And they don't have time for the mental game.

Valerie Alston (18:

51.749) Yeah.

PRO MINDSET (19:

15.715) Because the physical game is is showing progress, shows up on the court, the field, the diamond, you pick the the the place. But at some point in time, I don't care who you are, it's gonna get you. And your mindset, your mental game is not gonna be on par. How does that show up for most athletes?

Valerie Alston (19:

40.353) Usually they they come to me when when they're in crisis. And I I don't mean like literal crisis, like mental health crisis, but just things have gotten to a point where whatever they have been trying and have done up until this point is no longer working. typically it's a confidence issue. Something has happened and they just can't get back to that trust in themselves to be successful. Or they've had, you know, I'm working with a recent athlete who's coming back from injury and trying to get their that injury was it wasn't a traumatic injury or anything. It wasn't like a col but just you know an overuse injury that they're they're rehabbing and getting back to and that ability to trust the process and and come back to try to get back to functioning what their quote unquote normal was can be really hard. So often When they're coming to me it's because something's going wrong and they can't figure out why or they know it's mental or emotional, they just don't know how to fix it. I wish that more people would proactively do mental skills training and not wait until something has gone wrong, that they would work on it would just be part of how they train, just like you have a hitting coach or a strength and conditioning coach or a you know, as a basketball, you know, shooting coach, whatever, right? I wish people would be more proactive and train those skills it's before they need them. Kind of I think it's what is a John F. Kennedy analogy. It's the time to repair the roof is not when it's raining. Analogy is sure, we're gonna help and I'm gonna help you when you're in crisis and we're gonna work through it. But

PRO MINDSET (21:

08.153) Yeah.

Valerie Alston (21:

31.118) More more people should start training. I mean, shoot, even at ten, nine, ten, eleven, like, there's still valuable tools, training your mindset, training your confidence, training your focus, training your ability to regulate your body and what's going on so that you can set conditions to be able to perform at a high level when you need to. Like you don't have to wait till it goes wrong. Like let's proactively work on it. So you feel like you have the tools that you need eventually when it starts raining.

PRO MINDSET (21:

57.005) I think truly very few people, I mean some do. Most people don't go to the doctor until they have a problem. Right. And so you're the doctor of you're really the doctor of mental sport and people don't want to use you. They don't believe it's important until it is. You know. I think another time that besides just losing confidence or injury is when they know they can do it.

Valerie Alston (22:

03.504) Correct. Yeah.

PRO MINDSET (22:

23.673) But for whatever reason, they're not doing it. And it's like, what the heck? They can't figure it out. So they work a little bit harder, maybe get a little bit more sleep, maybe they do something, mix it up, and they cannot perform at the level they know they're capable of performing. And it blows their mind.

Valerie Alston (22:

39.502) Yeah. Yeah, I s I see that. They're I hear that a lot from parents too. they're great at practice, they're great at like but as soon as there's pressure, they're in a game situation, they fall apart. Like that's that's a pretty normal thing I hear, why why they end up showing up as well.

PRO MINDSET (22:

41.528) Okay, so 57.187) Let's just take that one. What do you I have a son or a daughter and sh he or she is doing wonderful in practice, gets opportunity start in their sport, whatever that may be, but they choke in the games. What is what are some of the reasons for that?

Valerie Alston (23:

20.56) There's there's usually a couple avenues for for what's going on there. One, they they haven't trained pressure moments in practice. I think what a lot of especially inexperienced youth coaches, folks that aren't trained, and let's be honest, most youth coaches are volunteers. They don't necessarily have a lot of training. y they don't understand how to create pressure in practice that's re as realistic as possible as a game setting. And so

PRO MINDSET (23:

38.415) Good.

Valerie Alston (23:

50.025) That dealing with pressure is a muscle like anything else. If you've never done it before, of course it's gonna be difficult to do the first time or in a in a game situation. So creating opportunities to practice that pressure through games and competition and scrimmages and different types of things that you can do in practice so that your athletes actually learn what it feels like, how it changes their internal experience, how their heart rate gets up and how they, you know, they get a little chaotic. And once they've experienced it in practice and they know what works and what doesn't, the with instruction and some guidance, helping from coaches is helping them say, Okay, this just happened. You got overwhelmed, you fell apart. What happened? Okay, let's talk through that. Like, okay, so what could you do differently next time? I could take a breath here, or I could slow things down. Great, okay, let's do it again, rerun the drill. so I think a big part of that is not enough coaches train dealing with pressure in practice. but then the other part of that is you gotta have a tool set, you gotta have a skill set to manage it. And typically what I see most frequently is what you mentioned, people are future focused. Well, what if this and what if that? I might let my team down. This could go wrong. And unf that's That's okay in the pre-game, thinking about what could go wrong, how might I address it, but in the moment of performing, for I'm trying to hit with bases loaded, thinking about, well, what if I strike out is not helpful because you're focused on the wrong thing. in that moment you should just be focused on what do I d need to do to be successful, right? Swing a good pitches, read the pitch, something along those lines, right? So I think one of Generally, these are gross generalizations. The main issues I see is kids aren't able to trust their skill set, like to trust their preparation and their training. And so that diminishes the confidence, which makes them more anxious, which makes them more likely to fold under pressure. They don't have a tool to regulate what's happening in their body physiologically, right? Once that fight or flight kicks on.

Valerie Alston (26:

13.54) That they're not quite sure how to calm it back down. So the ability to take some breaths, regain that composure, to to get their body back under their control. And then typically the thinking skills that help them focus on the right thing at the right time. That if you don't have the way to redirect your energy to to hand recognize that. No you're never going to be perfect in a in a as you try to play your sport. There's too many variables, too many things. It's not possible. that If you don't have a tool for bouncing back after minor failures, big failures. you know, for me as that junior in high that that sophomore year f at bat, with bases loaded in the first inning, right? I didn't have a way I know looking back, I had my body was so out of whack during that. And I ha at that time, I hit I didn't have the tools to to regulate that. Like I I could still remember thinking back on it, how how Hard, my heart was pumping and I was breathing. I was trying to take breaths, and it just I couldn't get my body to simmer down. And I I like remember being jittery. So had I had the tools at that time to manage that, that would have helped me. And also I thought I had to be the person. I had to be the one in that moment. If I didn't, if if it's not me, nothing else is gonna happen. And so I put I believed in that moment that it was my game to win or lose in the first inning, first step out of the game. and so I put in my thinking, I was focused on the wrong things, which caused even more pressure, and I I folded miserably. So I think

PRO MINDSET (28:

12.789) One thing that one thing that I and I wasn't there, wasn't in your body. You know, this is twenty two years ago or whatever it was, twenty years ago. Fear of failure is the reason why people leave the bat on their shoulder. Okay. Now, don't get me wrong, if it's on the outside corner, you know, maybe you strategically thought it was a ball, but most of the time it's right down the middle and you just can't move the bat. And it's fear of failure. couple things I'd like to embellish, and then I want to ask you a question about confidence here. 53.099) Self-regulation in a game to me is paramount for an athlete to adjust to the circumstances. And most of them can't. It's like things are going good until they're going good, and then when they go bad, it's like they go off the rails. You know, a soccer player gets a yellow card, you know, a basketball player gets a technical, they lose a cool. Okay.

Valerie Alston (29:

13.562) Yeah. Yep.

PRO MINDSET (29:

22.339) They just can't handle being unregulated. Because when you go into the game, you prepare yourself to be regulated. Then you train, you warm up and you're regulated. Everything's stay, you know, status quo. And you get in the game and it's going your way. Wonderful. And then then the proverbial whatever hits the fan and you're like, don't know how to respond.

Valerie Alston (29:

46.949) Yeah.

PRO MINDSET (29:

51.531) but I wanna I wanna shift to confidence 'cause I think it's so, so important. 59.779) What I've seen working with athletes is there's a handful of confidence busters, but the three primary ones are comparison, perfection, and scoreboard watching. And scoreboard watching is being attached to the outcome. And perfection is exactly what it is. You know, you're trying to be perfect. Nobody is, nobody ever has been, and nobody ever will. But for some crazy reason you think you're gonna be, okay? And then comparison is I don't think I've ever compared myself to an athlete, ever. And not found something they could do better than me. But when you start comparing, it becomes dominant. Like there's a lot of things that person can do better than me. And now you can't even like think that you can do anything better than that person. And the reality of it is if you and I went and played a sport, I'm older than you and you know, didn't play softball and all that stuff, but there's probably something I'm better than you.

Valerie Alston (31:

05.144) I would imagine, yeah. Yeah.

PRO MINDSET (31:

06.369) No, something. I don't know what it would do. Something. And so, but you obviously that's your sport, so you probably would dominate me. But I I can't I can't be my best when I'm comparing myself to you. I mean, you're a division one athlete. So how do you train? How do you build an athlete's confidence? What are what are some of the steps? What are some of the tools? What's the process for building is everybody listening? I don't care who you are. You've had days where your confidence takes a dip.

Valerie Alston (31:

43.898) Yeah. I I subscribe to the the It's actually a self-efficacy model, but the the idea that there are there are sources of confidence, that there's places you could pull from to enable your trust in yourself, your belief in your ability to be successful in any given moment. and so one of the the first primary sources is your prior experience and feeling like you have the capacity to do the thing. And so for coaches, for parents, for for kids listening, the dominant source of confidence is having done the thing. And whether you were successful or not, putting yourself in a place to practice that skill set, that whatever it is, whatever sport you play. Now when you're younger, that's going to start with very the basics, right? I have to have if I have I have to have trust in my ability to throw it to first. Well, have I ever got an opportunity to throw it to first from whatever Sport hot on the field I am. So getting prior experience is is valuable, and that's why it's so important to spend time training. I know I see that as kind of a curse this day and age with everybody converting to more travel sports and people coming from all over. They don't train anymore. They don't practice together as teams anymore. Everybody just shows up for game day. It's like, where's the development? Where's the ability to put people work on things, to do drills, to do Game-like scenarios, right? So train. Training is a huge part of being having confidence is that you have to believe you have that ability. And if you've never had the opportunity to demonstrate that ability, it makes sense that you would not have trust in a game situation to be able to execute it. Now you don't you can't always rely on that because as always we we can't predict every moment that's gonna happen in a in a game. You can't predict every type of scenario that could play out.

Valerie Alston (33:

46.97) But you can prepare for a lot of it. and so the more you train and develop, a lot that's a lot of where your confidence comes from, is putting in the work. I would say the next level is the way you think about those experiences. I mean, we can use vicarious experience too. We can watch other people and say, Okay, Susie's over there doing that thing, she started that drill. I wasn't quite sure if I could do that drill, but I'm watching her do it, and I was like, okay. I might be able to do that. So there's you can learn from other people's experience too. It doesn't have to just be your own personal experience. But the next level there is just how are you thinking about any of that stuff? whether your experience was success or a quote unquote failure moment how am i interpreting it how am I when I had a failure moment what am I ascribing that failure to was it something I had control over was it something you know within was it internal was it external was it into my control out of my control is this a stable quality something that's gonna be there for a long time or was this unstable just a fluke of the moment situation And the way you explain your successes and your failures, you need to explain them in ways that enable future success and prevent you from making that same failure again. So typically it's taking accountability, typically it's figuring out what you had controllable and what you didn't, and leaning your effort and your energy towards the controllable factors. being honest, whether this was a stable or unstable factor. And so what I mean by that is. you know we'll use a simple thing of you woke up, it's game day, and you're sick. Right? You're not you're not feeling your best. And maybe that day you're you're just kind of at seventy percent. And so you don't have your best energy. You end up getting thrown out at second because you're you know you're a little bit slower than you normally are because of you're just run down and tired. Like, okay, you can all right, today I got thrown out because, you know what, I'm just not full speed today, I'm a little sick. Like that's an unstable factor. That's not something that's gonna be a around every time you play the game.

Valerie Alston (36:

03.187) so those those are sometimes context dispen dependent, but how do you explain the successes and failures that you're having? And making sure that you're explaining them in ways that will enable, again, future success. So if I had a success, I want to explain it in a way that I can repeat it. If I had a failure moment, I want to explain it in a way that enables my my ownership and gives me a pathway forward to fix or correct that mistake so that I feel confident in that the next opportunity I won't make that same mistake. And then yeah, and then the last thing is really just that internal self-talk, right? How do you talk to yourself? Are you saying I can or I can't? At the very basic level. your your inner dialogue becomes your behavior. And so making sure that it's that inner dialogue is working for you is leading to trust, sense of certainty in your abilities, not diminishing it.

PRO MINDSET (37:

05.615) Okay. Give me give give you thirty seconds. I want you to summarize that for me real quick.

Valerie Alston (37:

14.531) You gotta train. You gotta you gotta put in the work so that you've got something to hang your confidence on. And you gotta think in effective ways. Make sure that the internal dialogue you have is working for you. It's fueling your confidence, not detracting from it.

PRO MINDSET (37:

34.703) You have to be honest and you have to have positive self talk.

Valerie Alston (37:

37.594) Yeah. I would even change it to productive. because positive sometimes people see that as like, it's all good. I just I just have to be happy in my thoughts. Like now, pop productive. You can be honest with that sucked. I was trash today. That was absolute garbage. And I recognize that now. Here's what I'll do differently. Let's let's move forward. So I I lean towards productive versus positive, but the the effect is the same.

PRO MINDSET (38:

13.101) I didn't do this when I competed and I didn't do this when I coached teams. But I've learned this in the last five or six years, but confidence is so different than belief in the sense of like you Valerie, you have to you have to buy stock in you every single day when you wake up and you gotta be a hundred percenter. You can't be a ninety-nine point niner in believing in who you are. And then confidence is about the things that you do as a coach, as a mom, whatever things you've got going on. As an athlete, your skills. But you can you let's just take softball. You could be one of those people that have a lot of confidence in your base run. But you don't have confidence in hitting the outside pitch. And you got a lot of confidence in your ability to throw accurately if you're in the outfield when you're playing defense. You gotta you let's just take like 10 things. Maybe you're confident in eight of them. And you're not confident in two. Let's not just say you're not confident. Girl, you got a lot going on. You got 80% of these things. You're you're killing it. It's helping the athlete realize that. That hey, you're you had a little you're a little you're a little down. You're not really you're not really feeling it. Well let's talk about all the things that show up in a game.

PRO MINDSET (39:

46.489) Are you confident that one? yeah, I'm good there. Then let's not let the two things poison the rest. Let's focus on your program of how you how you train that, how you think it. Are you honest about it? You know, and are you productive? productively talking to yourself. And that helps them like just narrow down instead of doing brain surgery and taking the whole thing out. Let's just take the part that's not not

Valerie Alston (39:

53.305) Yeah.

Valerie Alston (40:

12.057) Yeah. Yeah.

PRO MINDSET (40:

16.429) Not working. Let's get you know, let's take the tumor out. Not all. Bingo. Bingo. And then I think the other thing with confidence is

Valerie Alston (40:

17.251) Yeah. Yeah. You don't throw the baby out with the bathwater, right? Yeah. Yeah.

PRO MINDSET (40:

32.185) There's a worthiness that comes in on confidence. If somebody, if somebody, let's say for example, you and I are teammates, play the same position, we're the same gender, same sport, all that, all that stuff. And you putting in the work. And I'm skating. And I'm kind of like cutting corners. When I get up to pl let's say we're playing softball, when I get up to the plate, I don't feel worthy to be successful because I know what my teammates are doing and I'm not doing what you're doing. So I think there's an unworthiness that comes that's a source of lack of confidence because you didn't train. Yeah.

Valerie Alston (41:

19.535) I do think too that some there are people out there who have delusions of grandeur, right? They just believe that they are quite good at something, even if they're not. so that there are people like that too that have zero talent but believe I'm I'm better than everybody. but that's gonna quickly once the competition catches up, that's gonna quickly those folks are not gonna last much longer in in elite sport. They don't they don't last. Super long, but yeah. There are people who who are completely confident even though they have zero competence. no. Yeah, not so much. Yeah.

PRO MINDSET (41:

57.418) I know. You don't want too many of those people on your team. If you're the coach, those are not ideal athletes. Okay. So my my brain keeps going back to training, pressure, and practice. I think that if every coach took that to heart and really, you know, created creative periods in practice where that was prevalent. Then when they get in the games, regardless of how they do in practice, they're comfortable with that discomfort. So, like in softball, I I guarantee I know what how it works. Okay. I don't know. I'm guessing. Yeah, we get put we put a defense out, and then we're gonna run run through the guy, the the ladies that are in the dugout.

Valerie Alston (42:

32.867) Yeah. 39.439) Surmising.

PRO MINDSET (42:

51.455) And eventually we might end up with bases loaded situation and the girl that's at the plate at that point in time actually feels some pressure. No, we're st everybody every time every battery's got the basis loaded. And if that person hits a grand slam, we get three people and put them on bases. So constantly pounding that pressure and maybe even starting with an O2 count. Things like that that just you know, like ramp it up. As soon as they get comfortable.

Valerie Alston (43:

06.105) We start? Yep. Yep.

PRO MINDSET (43:

20.611) With the bases loaded. Now we gotta we hey, now you're a pinch hitter because the girl got, you know, something happened and she has to s step out of the game and we gotta put somebody in and so and too. Can you handle it? You know, usually when the when it's an even count and there hasn't been a pitch yet, everybody feels comfortable. And then in you know what it was a little bit, you know, didn't swing and it's now it's on one. Now you feel little bit different. And then it's a bad pitch, and the ump calls it a strike, and then it even feels worse. Can you perform? Can you still swing the bat loosely and confidently? Or is that when you get tight and you can't hit the ball? What are just just attack just tackle the sport of softball? And you know, probably not a softball coach lesson, but just in case there are. And people are so smart they can take this information you're gonna share and transfer it to their sport. What other ways can you simulate pressure?

Valerie Alston (44:

18.884) Yeah. 29.091) Yeah, there's there's several approaches. One realistic game pressure. So you know, again, softball, that's you're putting you put a defense out there, you put runners on, you say, All right, two two count, two outs, bottom of the seventh, you're down by run. Do or die, go. 'cause then the the defense is working the pressure 'cause it's not a safe Safe. It's there's they have to protect the lead, right? And then the offense is also they're trying to get that lead back, and there's enough runners on that it's doable in that moment. One swing of the back could change the whole game. So so realistic game pressures that they're likely to face. So recreating those as best you can and making sure that they're intentional. So like you said, is resetting. So don't wait, don't do a full scrimmage where you wait for that situation to occur, is make it happen, right? you know, for football, that might be we're practicing fourth and inches for the the next ten minutes. But then also adding what I find helpful is some level of consequence at the end of that, because if it's just practice, sometimes there's there's not a consequence that when they know it's not real, that there's not a consequence of actual winning or losing, sometimes it it doesn't feel as real as a true game. So adding some level of consequence. And it could be arbitrary, like, all right, you gotta do a lap. So the you know, if you don't win this half inning that we're playing right now, you know, off if offense wins, defense gotta take a lap. If defense wins, offense has gotta take a lap or whatever. it it shouldn't be exorbit like a but just something that is a natural consequence that would like, okay. so adding some level of consequence can actually ramp up that that pressure and make it feel a little more game like.

Valerie Alston (46:

32.537) So practicing the game pressures, that the realistic game pressures is is one way. Another way is any other type of competitive thing that you can instill in practice that maybe isn't a game situation, but is some sort of stakes on the line. So we we did simple things in softball where coach would set up, you know, a a a bucket on a on a chair, and we'd have like three outfielders, you each get one throw. From center field and if you can't not if between the three of you you can't knock the bucket over, the whole team does some sort of punishment. Like you gotta do burpees or you gotta do, you know, take a lap or do something. So while it's not a technically a game scenario, it is a relevant skill being able to hit, you know, throw an accurate throw under pressure. and so games like that can be really powerful or like mini competitions, You know, this team, all right, you get five pitches, and no matter where the pitch is, you gotta get the bunt down. So how whichever team gets the most bunts in play, you know, wins. Something something like that. So even if it's not a game-like situation, you're still using your sports skills, you're still making them execute sports skills, sports relevant skills, but you're gamifying it in a way that creates some external pressure, and s and some fun. Little I mean, I think a lot of It's a gross generalization. But a lot of kids today don't know how to compete. Right? They don't know how to like dig in, like, I I'm coming at you. Like that, that killer instinct, if you will, of like you don't always see that. And I don't know why, where that went. I I have opinions and I have ideas, but I I keep I hear that from a lot of college coaches this day is that that competitive edge, that like willingness to like. dig in and be the the person with the the game on the line is seems to be less in today's generation. So

PRO MINDSET (48:

39.925) I agree. Hang on a second. I just called you up and I say I'm a college coach and I've got an athlete. Missing the killer instinct. How do you train that? Because I think a lot of coaches since it's innate, it's natural, but I need this, I need this player to have it. It's the it's the difference between this player being pretty good to being great. And I'm trying to find the switch. They talk about turn on the switch, all these things that all represent they're not in the headspace they need to be in. How do you move how do you shift their their mindset a little bit so that they can acquire that killer instinct?

Valerie Alston (49:

28.043) in in my opinion, unfortunately it's not a simple answer because some of it depends on where it's coming from. I know often for for teen girls, for instance, they're so driven by social relationships and that sometimes it comes from the worry of if I do compete at that level, if I do take that hard nosed, like competitive edge, I might damage a relationship. And so it's the fear of of I'd rather not rock the boat and cause contention. And so teaching, trying as a coach, I'm that's just one reason. That's not the only reason why people aren't competitive, but trying to to really dig a little bit of where that might be coming from, because there's many things that could cause it. So trying to figure that out first as best you can and then you coach to whatever that gap is. So for the young team example, young young women not wanting to harm relationships is teaching them, creating as a coach a safe space of teaching them what it means to be competitive that in this environment on the field. Going hard, like play hard, have fun, no mercy. That my ver that was my version of it. You compete hard, you push hard, and we all are doing that, creating that culture that by doing that, you're helping your teammate get better. You're helping push them, you're helping challenge them. They're helping challenge you. And together, because we're competing hard like that, because you're going hard, as a team, we're gonna grow together and and be even better. And so trying to shift it from I'm somehow like and that it's not a competing against, it's competing with, on especially inside your team, is that I'm not actually me competing hard in this moment is helping both of us grow and develop. I think about one of my one of my best friends in college. We're roommates and very, very close friends. She was a pitcher. I was originally a catcher, ended up playing second base, but

Valerie Alston (51:

36.846) We were very close from all the bullpen sessions and things like that. And inevitably playing softball, you you scrimmage against each other at some point. You're you're playing against your own teammates. And so I you know, I'd face my friend fairly often against her. and we would definitely crap talk each other. Like, yeah, you got nothing. I got you to like but like we compete hard and I think she threw hardest against me. And I was most locked in against her. but as soon as that interaction was over, I could remember I mean she beaned me one time and it and gosh dang it like what I thought you were gonna you know like but it because we had that trust and that love for each other, we knew that whatever was happening on the field was was there to push each other and that as soon as we we took that uniform off there was that love and that respect that there was the mutual understanding we're competing a with each other, not against. that so I think that's an important piece. is trying as a coach trying to figure out where's that underlying lack of competition coming from. what you said earlier, a lot of it comes from fear of failure. that can be a reason if they're they're terrified to to fail. they'd rather just it's almost self protective if they can give themselves an excuse, well, I didn't if there's an excuse, well I failed because I you I just I didn't try that hard or you know it's it's almost self protective. I'm trying think those Yeah.

PRO MINDSET (53:

08.259) Those are very good those are very good ideas. What I what I heard you say, which I've never thought of this before. Is it's more in the coach than the player. And so if you think about, let's say, for example, you have, you know, 15 girls playing softball. Ten of them got the killer instinct, five of them don't, and the coach is trying to fix them. If the coach would take a step back and create a safe environment with expectations, boundaries, you know, hey, this is how we do it. This is how people are going to respond. And when we get out of practice, We're all gonna be homegirls again, and you guys can all, you know, be in your clicks or whatever you got going on. But when you come to practice, put on the uniform, you step on the field, this is how we're gonna play. And it's acceptable for everybody. Well, tr for some of these girls that may think it's like, hey, you're being a jerk, you're being overly aggressive, you're being mean. No, this is how we define competitiveness. And that's the standard the coach has to communicate clearly and effectively and consistently to his or her team that this is competitiveness. And I think I've never thought of that before because I've always wondered how to turn the light on myself for some guys. It's like it it really is the coach because some athletes don't

Valerie Alston (54:

37.251) Yeah.

PRO MINDSET (54:

45.711) pay attention to the impact of their actions on their teammates. Some care deeply. And for those that care deeply, you have to help them understand they don't need to care because you're going to still love each other after practice is over.

PRO MINDSET (55:

06.5) Right.

Valerie Alston (55:

07.107) Yeah. that's that's what I've found is that setting conditions and helping a coach I I think like John Wooden was a master. I mean he had so many wonderful qualities in how he coached, but like he recruited the best talent. Obviously he had amazing players that played for him, but the way he set his practices up is like he would recruit a guy. I apologize, don't remember the dude's name, but

PRO MINDSET (55:

22.041) Pyramid.

Valerie Alston (55:

36.721) specifically recruited him because he knew he would be Bill Walton's like nemesis. Like and I needed that kid to play against Bill Walton every day in practice and just get on him and make him a better player so that when we were playing the true opponents, he he was ready. He knew what it took to overcome that that type of player, right? That 'cause that's how the other teams are gonna try to

PRO MINDSET (56:

01.359) I think was Kiki Vanderway or somebody like that. It was some I can't remember who it was, but I think it was somebody like that.

Valerie Alston (56:

03.768) Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And so even, you know, just thinking about that as a coach is but and I was obviously never on any of these teams, but you hear any of John Wynn's players talk about him like they loved each other, they loved him, they loved like that environment was created stow so mindfully by him that you know the the probably the hardest games they ever played at UCLA were against each other in practice, not against other teams. so just thinking about that is that it a lot of it does have to have to do with the environment that they feel safe to compete at that level. But also sometimes they just don't know what it means to to compete hard. so sometimes it is a certain level of education that just needs to let's get on the same page of what this means in the context of sport that you can That I think that's for me where my play hard have fun no mercy came from is that the no mercy piece was that competitive edge. But my dad always tempered that with no mercy does not mean disrespectful. It does not mean diminishing or demeaning the people you're playing against. It meant giving your very best, no matter who shows up. because that that's you're challenging them, but you're still, you know, sportsmanship and all that. Like it it was couched together in that. So I think again, as as coaches, thinking about Where are are you setting boundaries for that in that are that are reflected in effective sportsmanship and and good character and you know that type of thing? And do you correct it if if they go a little off the rails and it does get some contentious, are you the one that's like, all right, take a breath, let's break in. What you know, making sure that if it does get heated that you're you're s you're

Valerie Alston (58:

03.268) protecting that space and making sure that you're able to cool things down and let it process it so that they can come back to Again, you are teammates. You you will respect each other. You don't always have to like each other, but you will respect each other.

PRO MINDSET (58:

17.369) Compete as hard as you can with respect. I had the fortunate occasion to hang out with Coach Wooden at the McDowell. Yeah. I was his escort. I picked him up at the airport. I was like his Uber driver for like five days. It was super dope. Yeah. It was You know what? He was so humble that everything he s everything he said was like it was almost like profound.

Valerie Alston (58:

29.443) wow. 37.53) How cool is that? Were you just picking his brain the whole time?

PRO MINDSET (58:

51.779) But he didn't say a lot. You know, I think all of us like to, you know, we just want to say all these words. He would just say a few words. He was very simple. one of the things he was about with this pyramid of success was he had very high standards for his athletes. And he cared about the whole the whole person. And I think when we coach sports, a lot of coaches forget. You know, this is a young man, a young, young girl, this is a college kid that's struggling or trying to adjust to college life or just got dumped by their boyfriend, girlfriend, or whatever, and parent issues or whatever it might be. It's it's remembering the total person, not just the athlete part. And when you can connect with the total person, you're gonna make a bigger impact on the athlete part.

Valerie Alston (59:

47.172) Yeah. Yeah, I've always subscribed to that they don't care what you know until they know that you care. Model of coaching that i at least in my field in sports psychology, any any psychological domain, like I think it's most research says something about seventy-five to eighty percent of the value of of a counseling or or coaching relationship is the rapport, the relationship part is what drives the effectiveness of any interaction. And so, you know, especially, you know, a pl I think a player can always respect a coach if if they understand you care about me, you're you you have my best intentions, like you you genuinely are trying to do your best to s to help me be the best athlete I can be. I at least I always knew when I I had that understanding of my coaches, you could forgive them when they have bad moments or when they chew you out or when it's they may maybe weren't at their best either as humans. But it's like, okay, on the whole I know coach cares about me. I know they're trying. like that it goes it goes a big way. And I've also had coaches who were absolute I knew they didn't care about me. I was I was a cog and a wheel and and you bet your booty that that experience was was very different. They did not get the loyalty and they and they did not have an inspired team. So

PRO MINDSET (01:01:

14.765) I would I would say every athlete filters the coaching that they receive from their coaches based upon whether or not they have a relationship or not. And if they don't feel like they're connected to their coach, their coach doesn't believe in them, doesn't trust them, all those type of things. It's it's a it has a negative interpretation by the athlete. Like, coaches punished me, he or she doesn't like me, all those kind of things. And when you feel like you have a relationship, the obvious other side happens. You look, God, this coach really wants me to work hard, really wants me to get better, really is pushing me. And so that so even think about this. A coach speaks to his or her whole team and none of them receive it identically the same. And some of them are on polar opposites. Positive, for me, negative, not for me. So okay, young lady. I think we could have did like four podcasts because we're already past an hour and we've really never even got started. We just kind of were rocking and rolling. I'm gonna thank you so much for being on Pro Mindset today.

Valerie Alston (01:02:

19.309) Ha ha ha. 24.291) Yeah. Thank you. Thank you for having me. I hap happy to come back. All right. Yeah. yes. the best place is www.confidentcomclutch.com slash quick links. it's kind of my link and bio page that you can see my podcasts there. I've got a podcast for parents and

PRO MINDSET (01:02:

33.647) Yeah, we may have to do it again. Thank you very much, Valerie. where can people find you?

Valerie Alston (01:02:

56.025) Players together to listen to car ride conversations to to help facilitate mental toughness and relationships and good dialogue there. And then I've got the Clutch Academy for sports coaches, which is focused on interviews with fellow youth sport coaches and asking, talking about how they embed mental toughness, mental skills into their process as coaches. so those are probably two two big opportunities, but you can you can find all that at the confidence clutch slash wick links. So

PRO MINDSET (01:03:

24.533) And check out the show notes. Thank you very much.

Valerie Alston (01:03:

25.923) Yes, that too.